When One Door Closes...

Just a repost from myspace for those you don't have it and wanted to view it.

When one door closes in your life, twenty more open up for you, but how do you know which door leads you to the direction you want to go? The door you opened before may not have been the door you were looking for. So you shut and lock the door behind you and open the next. Each door you open leads you to the next and then the next. Every experience you have behind that door influences you to the next door and all the other doors that follow, keeping a piece of that door with you at all times.

If all your experiences behind each door have not gone the way you like them to go, at which door do you say "I have had enough" and actually sit down and think about your next choice? People rush into things too quickly without thinking about all the possibilities that will come with the door they open next and then there are other people's inputs weighing too heavily on the door you decide to open. It is time that you sit down and look deep inside yourself and decide what you want out of your life and not what other people want for you. Don't take for granted that you have a mind of your own. Yes, you may make bad decisions in your life time, that is to be expected, but what you learn from that mistake is what you will take with you to your next door. But also, don't be naïve to other people's own mistakes.

Life is a maze, one bad turn doesn't mean it's the end of the road, but you have to find yourself back in the right direction, and eventually the door you are looking for stares you in the eye, even though you may not know it, as you take your key and unlock it. Where does this door lead you? Only you will know. People have their own finish line. What may be mine may not be yours, but don't think for a minute that your finish line is any better than the person's next to you.

We all have our own goals and aspirations, and to be successful does not mean having a lot of money or being well known, success is taking those goals and aspirations and achieving them. And those goals and aspirations can be as simple as you want them, just don't underestimate yourself when setting them and don't let anyone tell you that you can't do it. Who are they to tell you that; have they succeeded in accomplishing their goals they set out for themselves?

If you set your mind to it, you can accomplish anything. Don't get me wrong, it will be a long hard road to do it, no doubt, but if you have the strength and determination to succeed in all that you have set out for yourself, you will succeed, and that door you're in a constant search for will open right up. This goes without saying, don't be too caught up in opening the next door, that you miss the experience in the door before, for you just may miss the door your finish line is waiting in.

These doors are endless. What was once a goal or aspiration to you may have been changed or hell even reached, don't think for a minute that just because you have reached the goals you have previously set out to accomplish that your finish line awaits you. You may not have set your goals to your fullest potential or maybe even your potential increases as you have stumbled your way through each door. Push yourself to keep going. Set yourself higher goals; just don't make them to where you will never be at ease with where you are.

If you are struggling to get through these doors, don't be discouraged either. For the person next to you, if they truly set their goals to their potential, is having just as a hard time as you are. Life is not easy and there are many distractions that get it the way, but look at these distractions as strength boosters. These daily hurdles are there to prove to you that you can get through it. Yes, it is tough at times, and you may think I can't do it, but once you do, how do you feel. Don't you feel good about yourself that you made it through that hurdle? It's this feeling that boosts your strength to keep fighting through life to find that finish line behind one of those doors.

If you can't tell this is where I am in my life, closing one door and thinking about the doors to follow. I am taking with me a piece of a life that wasn't making me happy and searching for the right door to open next. My focus at the moment is what is best for both Rafa and I to carry on with our lives as we reach for our own finish line. I want a better life for my son and I am working that. One of my goals has always been getting an advanced degree and well I got the ball rolling on that today. I will not give up until I do. And in doing so, this will help provide a better life for Rafa in many ways. I want to show him to never give up on his dreams, even though they may be far fetched to others. I want him to see that his mom never gave up and continued to strive for what she wanted. Not only that, is getting a graduate degree will open more and better doors for me financially. I want to give my son the world and show it to him as well. One of the things I have wanted is to educate my son about the world, not just the United States. I want him to be able to visit other countries and be culturally knowledgeable. I want him to have a life that gives him the tools and knowledge for him to be able to make rational decisions and judgments so that he doesn't have to struggle through as badly as others have. And this is where I will leave it, with one door closed and another to be opened shortly.

I know this is just a bunch of ramblings to some of you, but I do thank each and everyone of you who took the time to actually sit here this long and read it. I love you all.

<3>

~Kira

It's that time again, where one year ends and another begins. My first thought of last year was about how fucked up it was of a year, but as I am sitting here writing this, I can't but help think of all the wonderful that has happened to me. To begin, I found strength in myself I never thought possible. I left a relationship I hadn't been happy with for a very, very long time, but stayed only because of my son. I obviously couldn't do that a year ago even though I wanted to so badly. It wasn't an easy process and still isn't easy, but it is coming along and if it wasn't for the help of my friends and family I would have collapsed.

Which gets me to my friends, I have been able to meet and become closer friends with some truly, truly amazing people. These people are more than just friends to me, they are family and I would do anything for them if they asked me. I love every single one of them with all my heart and I hope with the years following our friendships keep getting better.

Although it has been an emotional year for me and have had my many days of depression especially after the separation, I have been happier since I left. I know some may not see it, but I was good at hiding my emotions and feelings from everyone for so long while I was with Alex. I learned to keep it all bundled up in side and smile and laugh for the camera. Recently though, even though I still have those days where I would like to just curl up and not wake up, I truly am a lot happier. I don't have to worry about what he thinks when I say or do something. I don't have to hear him constantly bitching at me for the most trivial thing. I don't have him telling me I'm stupid for not understanding some computer or Xbox related thing he was doing. It is this time of my life that I am working on getting my self esteem and self love back. For the longest time now I have felt ugly, not wanted, stupid and so much more, but this is GOING to change. I am working on accepting people's compliments and love. It's not easy for me and I can guarantee that I will still have some issues with it, but I will, by the end of next year, be able to fully accept it.

All the recent changes in my life have come from some bad experience that has happened within the last year. More recently and most influential was the death and attack on Erich and Christa. Although it was a tragic and horrific event, it has taught me more about life than I ever thought possible. Erich was a fun, outgoing, lovable guy, who took nothing for granted. He loved life and everything in it. After his death I realized that I did take life for granted. The simple kiss and hug from a child, the smell of a recent rain. All the little things in life are what make life so enjoyable. I vowed right after his death that I wouldn't take things for granted and that I would love and cherish all of those in my life whether you're a friend or family or a loved one. You never know when your time is up. You don't see it coming. I may not be here tomorrow; you may not be here tomorrow. With this said, I will not take for granted the friendships/relationship I have with anyone I know. I am and will continue to make sure each and everyone one of you know how much I care and love you. You all have some impact on my life to still be in it and I will not let that go. We will continue to be in my heart and I will do my best at letting you know it. You can never tell a person you love them too much, it's insane to think you can.

I would like to go into more detail about family. Family, although you may not get along with your family, they are and always will be just that, family. I don't care what has happened in the past and it can be a sore subject for many of you, but friends and lovers come and go, but you are always linked to your family. Don't take it for granted. I haven't been very close to my family, I mean we do things together and all, but I don't go to them when I need help or someone to just be with and I should. My family, even though we don't always get along with each other and there is a long history of fights with them. They are and will always be my family. I have said many hurtful things to them in the past and I have been told many hateful things in the past, but I am letting go of it all. I am starting anew with them. I want to be there more for them when they need it and I want to be able to go to them when I need it. When all of this stuff with Alex was going on, I never once told them anything and I should have. I should have gone to them for help, but I was a coward. They found out about the separation through my blog, not because I told them. That was stupid of me. My family is there for me no matter what and I should have given them the chance to do so. I apologize to all of my family for not doing so and I am extremely thankful for having them in my life.

And then there is my son. The most wonderful part of my life and the best thing I could ever ask for. His little laugh and his gigantic hugs are the best part of my day. He is the love of my life. Lately, it has been rough with him. The separation has had its toll on him. I have been yelled at, cussed at, told he doesn't love me. He even went as far as telling me that I didn't love him that only daddy loved him. At daddy's house its pretty all much fun and games. Here I am the one who disciplines him, trying to make him a better person as he grows up. He doesn't see that now, but I hope later on in his life he does. I have cried a lot with him lately. It hurts when he tells me the stuff he tells me, but I just smile and tell him I love him and give him a hug. It hurts being the "bad guy" while daddy takes him out and buys him new toys all the time, but in due time I hope he sees how much I truly love him.

With all of these things being said, I will go into what I want to accomplish this year. I will continue to work on myself to become a better person and become the woman I want to be, not the woman people tell me to be. I am tired of letting people dictate my life. I am going to stand up for my self and stop being such a push over. I am going, if finances allow it, go back to school and at least get my master's degree (obviously will take longer than a year, but I want to get it started) if not go to NP school. I want to continue to show the ones I love that I love them, no matter what goes on. I want to forgive passed events and let bygones be just that, bygones. 2008 is a new year and it's time for a new Kira. I am going to take everything that has ever happened to me and let those events be stepping stones to the future, whether it be a bad experience or not. I will take it and use what I got out of it wisely to become a better person.

I know this was really, really long and I apologize, but I thank everyone of you who took the time to actually read this. I love you all.

Much love,

Kira

I'm sooo overwhelmed right now... I feel like I never have time for me to just sit down and relax and do what I want to do. If I'm not busy with Rafael and Alex, I'm doing homework. This quarter is kicking me in the ass. I'm not too sure if I'm gonna make it through. There are times where I just wish I didn't have to deal with the family life while still trying to finish up school. Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE my husnand and son and wouldn't want to be without them, but its hard to juggle between them and school. I feel guilty for telling Alex and Rafa I don't have time right now I have to get this done.. and then when I do try to do something with them I don't get my homework done. And then there's the housework.... boy am I so behind right now... I still have boxes that I haven't unpacked. I keep telling myself it's almost over. I graduate spring quarter (if I pass this quarter). Hopefully all will go well. Guess I'm just worried of not succeeding.