It's that time again, where one year ends and another begins. My first thought of last year was about how fucked up it was of a year, but as I am sitting here writing this, I can't but help think of all the wonderful that has happened to me. To begin, I found strength in myself I never thought possible. I left a relationship I hadn't been happy with for a very, very long time, but stayed only because of my son. I obviously couldn't do that a year ago even though I wanted to so badly. It wasn't an easy process and still isn't easy, but it is coming along and if it wasn't for the help of my friends and family I would have collapsed.
Which gets me to my friends, I have been able to meet and become closer friends with some truly, truly amazing people. These people are more than just friends to me, they are family and I would do anything for them if they asked me. I love every single one of them with all my heart and I hope with the years following our friendships keep getting better.
Although it has been an emotional year for me and have had my many days of depression especially after the separation, I have been happier since I left. I know some may not see it, but I was good at hiding my emotions and feelings from everyone for so long while I was with Alex. I learned to keep it all bundled up in side and smile and laugh for the camera. Recently though, even though I still have those days where I would like to just curl up and not wake up, I truly am a lot happier. I don't have to worry about what he thinks when I say or do something. I don't have to hear him constantly bitching at me for the most trivial thing. I don't have him telling me I'm stupid for not understanding some computer or Xbox related thing he was doing. It is this time of my life that I am working on getting my self esteem and self love back. For the longest time now I have felt ugly, not wanted, stupid and so much more, but this is GOING to change. I am working on accepting people's compliments and love. It's not easy for me and I can guarantee that I will still have some issues with it, but I will, by the end of next year, be able to fully accept it.
All the recent changes in my life have come from some bad experience that has happened within the last year. More recently and most influential was the death and attack on Erich and Christa. Although it was a tragic and horrific event, it has taught me more about life than I ever thought possible. Erich was a fun, outgoing, lovable guy, who took nothing for granted. He loved life and everything in it. After his death I realized that I did take life for granted. The simple kiss and hug from a child, the smell of a recent rain. All the little things in life are what make life so enjoyable. I vowed right after his death that I wouldn't take things for granted and that I would love and cherish all of those in my life whether you're a friend or family or a loved one. You never know when your time is up. You don't see it coming. I may not be here tomorrow; you may not be here tomorrow. With this said, I will not take for granted the friendships/relationship I have with anyone I know. I am and will continue to make sure each and everyone one of you know how much I care and love you. You all have some impact on my life to still be in it and I will not let that go. We will continue to be in my heart and I will do my best at letting you know it. You can never tell a person you love them too much, it's insane to think you can.
I would like to go into more detail about family. Family, although you may not get along with your family, they are and always will be just that, family. I don't care what has happened in the past and it can be a sore subject for many of you, but friends and lovers come and go, but you are always linked to your family. Don't take it for granted. I haven't been very close to my family, I mean we do things together and all, but I don't go to them when I need help or someone to just be with and I should. My family, even though we don't always get along with each other and there is a long history of fights with them. They are and will always be my family. I have said many hurtful things to them in the past and I have been told many hateful things in the past, but I am letting go of it all. I am starting anew with them. I want to be there more for them when they need it and I want to be able to go to them when I need it. When all of this stuff with Alex was going on, I never once told them anything and I should have. I should have gone to them for help, but I was a coward. They found out about the separation through my blog, not because I told them. That was stupid of me. My family is there for me no matter what and I should have given them the chance to do so. I apologize to all of my family for not doing so and I am extremely thankful for having them in my life.
And then there is my son. The most wonderful part of my life and the best thing I could ever ask for. His little laugh and his gigantic hugs are the best part of my day. He is the love of my life. Lately, it has been rough with him. The separation has had its toll on him. I have been yelled at, cussed at, told he doesn't love me. He even went as far as telling me that I didn't love him that only daddy loved him. At daddy's house its pretty all much fun and games. Here I am the one who disciplines him, trying to make him a better person as he grows up. He doesn't see that now, but I hope later on in his life he does. I have cried a lot with him lately. It hurts when he tells me the stuff he tells me, but I just smile and tell him I love him and give him a hug. It hurts being the "bad guy" while daddy takes him out and buys him new toys all the time, but in due time I hope he sees how much I truly love him.
Which gets me to my friends, I have been able to meet and become closer friends with some truly, truly amazing people. These people are more than just friends to me, they are family and I would do anything for them if they asked me. I love every single one of them with all my heart and I hope with the years following our friendships keep getting better.
Although it has been an emotional year for me and have had my many days of depression especially after the separation, I have been happier since I left. I know some may not see it, but I was good at hiding my emotions and feelings from everyone for so long while I was with Alex. I learned to keep it all bundled up in side and smile and laugh for the camera. Recently though, even though I still have those days where I would like to just curl up and not wake up, I truly am a lot happier. I don't have to worry about what he thinks when I say or do something. I don't have to hear him constantly bitching at me for the most trivial thing. I don't have him telling me I'm stupid for not understanding some computer or Xbox related thing he was doing. It is this time of my life that I am working on getting my self esteem and self love back. For the longest time now I have felt ugly, not wanted, stupid and so much more, but this is GOING to change. I am working on accepting people's compliments and love. It's not easy for me and I can guarantee that I will still have some issues with it, but I will, by the end of next year, be able to fully accept it.
All the recent changes in my life have come from some bad experience that has happened within the last year. More recently and most influential was the death and attack on Erich and Christa. Although it was a tragic and horrific event, it has taught me more about life than I ever thought possible. Erich was a fun, outgoing, lovable guy, who took nothing for granted. He loved life and everything in it. After his death I realized that I did take life for granted. The simple kiss and hug from a child, the smell of a recent rain. All the little things in life are what make life so enjoyable. I vowed right after his death that I wouldn't take things for granted and that I would love and cherish all of those in my life whether you're a friend or family or a loved one. You never know when your time is up. You don't see it coming. I may not be here tomorrow; you may not be here tomorrow. With this said, I will not take for granted the friendships/relationship I have with anyone I know. I am and will continue to make sure each and everyone one of you know how much I care and love you. You all have some impact on my life to still be in it and I will not let that go. We will continue to be in my heart and I will do my best at letting you know it. You can never tell a person you love them too much, it's insane to think you can.
I would like to go into more detail about family. Family, although you may not get along with your family, they are and always will be just that, family. I don't care what has happened in the past and it can be a sore subject for many of you, but friends and lovers come and go, but you are always linked to your family. Don't take it for granted. I haven't been very close to my family, I mean we do things together and all, but I don't go to them when I need help or someone to just be with and I should. My family, even though we don't always get along with each other and there is a long history of fights with them. They are and will always be my family. I have said many hurtful things to them in the past and I have been told many hateful things in the past, but I am letting go of it all. I am starting anew with them. I want to be there more for them when they need it and I want to be able to go to them when I need it. When all of this stuff with Alex was going on, I never once told them anything and I should have. I should have gone to them for help, but I was a coward. They found out about the separation through my blog, not because I told them. That was stupid of me. My family is there for me no matter what and I should have given them the chance to do so. I apologize to all of my family for not doing so and I am extremely thankful for having them in my life.
And then there is my son. The most wonderful part of my life and the best thing I could ever ask for. His little laugh and his gigantic hugs are the best part of my day. He is the love of my life. Lately, it has been rough with him. The separation has had its toll on him. I have been yelled at, cussed at, told he doesn't love me. He even went as far as telling me that I didn't love him that only daddy loved him. At daddy's house its pretty all much fun and games. Here I am the one who disciplines him, trying to make him a better person as he grows up. He doesn't see that now, but I hope later on in his life he does. I have cried a lot with him lately. It hurts when he tells me the stuff he tells me, but I just smile and tell him I love him and give him a hug. It hurts being the "bad guy" while daddy takes him out and buys him new toys all the time, but in due time I hope he sees how much I truly love him.
With all of these things being said, I will go into what I want to accomplish this year. I will continue to work on myself to become a better person and become the woman I want to be, not the woman people tell me to be. I am tired of letting people dictate my life. I am going to stand up for my self and stop being such a push over. I am going, if finances allow it, go back to school and at least get my master's degree (obviously will take longer than a year, but I want to get it started) if not go to NP school. I want to continue to show the ones I love that I love them, no matter what goes on. I want to forgive passed events and let bygones be just that, bygones. 2008 is a new year and it's time for a new Kira. I am going to take everything that has ever happened to me and let those events be stepping stones to the future, whether it be a bad experience or not. I will take it and use what I got out of it wisely to become a better person.
I know this was really, really long and I apologize, but I thank everyone of you who took the time to actually read this. I love you all.
Much love,
Kira
posted by Kira548 @ 2:07 PM
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